"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are ruined...The great object is that every man be armed. Everyone who is able might have a gun." -- Patrick Henry

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Viewers of the Imperial News Network were stunned today, as Mark Hamill joined a Death Star press conference to say what a good job he thinks the Emperor is doing.

The surprise appearance, reportedly put together in an effort to shore up Emperor Palpatine's dwindling support throughout the galaxy, featured Hamill giving the Empire his official seal of approval.

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The Flat Earth MOVA Globe removes science and facts from the conversation to better represent the world we all live on. Behold an Earth that does not spin and is not spherical. Matter of fact, it’s flat as a pancake. Unlike other MOVA Globes that turn thanks to hidden magnets and solar technologies, the Flat Earth MOVA Globe is freed from traditional laws of physics like magnetic fields and gravity.

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In a reversal of President Joe Biden’s walkback of his use of the term “illegal” when referring to the suspected murderer of 22-year-old nursing student, Laken Riley, the White House said that Biden did not apologize for the use of the term.

After a new meta-analysis of COVID data, the Center for Disease Control has updated its guidelines to just do what your hillbilly Uncle Frank said to do four years ago.

"After tasking dozens of the best minds in science to review hundreds of studies, we have determined that Uncle Frank was right the whole time," announced C.D.C. director Dr. Mandy Cohen. "Basically, just treat it like the flu. So, um, sorry about that whole 'you can't be with your dying husband' deal. Our bad."

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